Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
Randomize
