Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
As weird as that was it was probably the best advice i've ever gotten from a tranny
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
Randomize
