i dedicated my morning wood to you.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
