i love my job...i have craft hour at my desk w twizzlers
can u grab me a application
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
