Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
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