I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
I wish life had little blips of pornography
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Randomize
