I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
I use my feet as sexual weapons
I wear drunk well.
Randomize
