I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
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