On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
