marko just referred to some fat asian and a portly friend as Jupiter and one of its moons. unreal. hyte!
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
me neither. i remember bell pepper tequila but not why or yelling
Hahaha, I forgot about doing shots out of the bell pepper
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
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