life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
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