i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
