i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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