I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
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