rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Randomize
