I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
I'll still trying to understand the context of your "punch her with my cock" comment.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
Randomize
