The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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