i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
I'm way too hungover for life right now
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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