My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
Randomize
