You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
You're a waste of cheezeits
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
There are leaves in my underwear?
Randomize
