It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
A+ Viking dick
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
