If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
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