A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
