You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
