I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Randomize
