Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
