Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
