hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
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