I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
Randomize
