I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
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