The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize