fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
