well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Randomize
