dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
Randomize
