In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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