fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
