I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
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