You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
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