I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
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