Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
