my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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