Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Randomize
