I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
Randomize
