i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
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