hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
Randomize
