I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
Say something about gay babies.
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
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