I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
