My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
Randomize
