Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
Randomize
