I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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