We were chasing that deer in the quad and next thing I remember I woke up in my RAs bed. I'm probably in trouble.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Randomize
