My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
