Let's hustle tonight so we can relax tomorrow
Perfect. Like where your heads at
By relax I mean have sex
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
