I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
