i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
