The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Randomize
