She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
worst lay ever....
as long as you cum, there is no bad sex
ya... thank god for condoms, I was able to fake it... I stand by my original statement
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
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