Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
Randomize