genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize